my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
