I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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