Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
