drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
