I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
