oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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