Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
