ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
