Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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