So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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