All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
