Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
