Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
