You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
