What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
not ubering you a puppy
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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