How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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