I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
