I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
