I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
