By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
