just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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