Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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