You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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