ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
