just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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