I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
