She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
