I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
