I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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