i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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