Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm at about main and main street
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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