I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm passing your future prison.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
