I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
