When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
