Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
