I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
