I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He has the fingertips of a God
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