The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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