He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
