im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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