I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
