hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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