i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she looked like the before picture.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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