Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
