i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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