I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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