I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
