I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
