6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
