I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
